Chuck Norris Facts:
Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
Chuck Norris was the original choice to play the lead role in the movie, “Boys Don’t Cry”. Hilary Swank replaced him because test audiences found him to be gayer than 9 guys blowing 8 guys.
Chuck Norris has no friends on Myspace. Not Even Tom.
Chuck Norris once fought Vin Diesel… and got absolutely fucked up.
Chuck Norris’ farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because of their potency, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.
Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife’s name when they were married.
Chuck Norris has to employs a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the wilderness that is his back.
Chuck Norris was once trapped in a paper bag for 3 days.
Chuck Norris has 2 speeds. Hard and harder. He uses these when making love to other men.
The leading causes of death in the United States are Heart Disease, Cancer, and AIDS. Chuck Norris has all three.
Chuck Norris sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home.
Chuck Norris’ semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He passes out after two wine coolers.
The chief import of Chuck Norris is cock.
Chuck Norris shampoos with conditioner, and then actually repeats.
Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.
A Chinaman once told Chuck Norris that his penis was small during a karate tournament.
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris’ most lethal art is face painting.
Chuck Norris Facts:
Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris makes egg salad with ninchucks.
For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.
Only Chuck Norris knows if a tree that has fallen in the forest with no one there to hear it makes a noise… and he won’t tell.
Chuck Norris is so hardcore, all of his hair is actually made of fire.
Chuck Norris singlehandledy discovered the fifth element while jacking off to Michael Jackson’s “Beat it”
Chuck Norris has a lever next to his desk which, when pulled, plays a random Conan O’Brian clip.
Chuck Norris was born with his beard.
Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
Chuck Norris was the 5th face on Mount Rushmore, but when the artist got his nose wrong, Norris karate chopped it off the mountain
Chuck Norris is strong enough to punch through steel, yet delicate enough to cradle a newborn to sleep
Chuck Norris can crush coal into diamonds
Chuck Norris got drunk and fucked the Statue of Liberty, then bragged about it to the Lincoln Memorial.
Chuck Norris played the shark in Jaws
Chuck Norris eats all the cereal featured in those Total commercials. The ones with like 50 bowls stacked full of Raisin Bran. He then spends 3 months in the bathroom, and doesn’t need to eat again until the following spring
Chuck Norris choked the writer of ‘Sidekicks’ to death.
Chuck Norris smells like fresh cut grass
Chuck Norris can fit 5 billiard balls in his mouth
Chuck Norris’s sperm are as big as eels
Chuck Norris has a penis like a Pringles can. When flaccid.
Chuck Norris wrote every song that 50 Cent ever sang.
Chuck Norris is one of the Twelve superhumans that can eat their own heads and live to tell the tale (using sign language).
Chuck Norris filmed all 202 episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger in a day. However, this is not actually an achievement of Norris’, all the episodes were actually assembled using the same 15 minutes of Chuck Norris footage.
While lost in the forest, Chuck Norris had unprotected sex with a grizzly bear, accidently creating the killing machine known as Teddy Ruxpin.
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of “Sports” by Huey Lewis and the News. Although Chuck failed at building a the Missle Defense System, he did use this as the prototpy for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.
Night of the Living Dead was based on the aftermaths of Chuck Norris’ “forgotten” film, where every extra and bit part actor was accidentaly killed.
Chuck Norris invented the buffalo, but only to roundhouse kick it in the face.
Chuck Norris was born of the Greek gods Ares and Hermes in a grand session of buttsecks that may never be equaled.
Chuck Norris once kicked so much ass at a breakdancing contest that he created a time-space anomaly that destroyed a large amount of Ninja, Vikings, Pirates, and Lumberjacks.
Chuck Norris once consumed an entire East-Russian villiage in a fit of collosal hunger which may never be equalled…
Every time Chuck Norris sneezes, a third-world contry is annihilated from the face of the Earth.
One time a little girl asked Chuck Norris for some spare change. He kidnapped her, ate her intestines, and published a novel about these events by the title “Where’s Waldo”.
On special occasions Chuck Norris eats the heart of a horse to gain superhuman fly swatting abilities.
The idea for the show “24” is actually stolen from a drawing Chuck Norris made when he was drunk.
The only person to ever beat Chuck Norris in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors was a mexican astronaut that went by the alias “Edguardo the Magnificent”.
Chuck Norris invented puppies.
Chuck Norris’ incredible dance moves were the inspiration for the popular scene from Napoleon Dynamite. A copyright infringement suit was reccommended, but Chuck decided to just kill Jon Heder.
Chuck Norris once talked in his sleep. The words he said were recorded in a classified government document and sent straight to the president. The No Child Left Behind Act stems from this document.
Chuck Norris once ate a Mongolian child’s brain with his nipples.
Rumour has it that the semen from Chuck Norris’ six-foot wang can cure leukemia, especially in small children.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have to eat, but he does it anyways to be cool.
If you rearrange the letters in “Jesus Christ” you get “Chuck Norris”, but you have to try really hard.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris only drinks the blood of his enemies, but cleverly disguises it as water and other beverages.
One time a 3rd grader tried to impress Chuck Norris by burping the alphabet. In turn Chuck belched the entire script for the show Cowboy Bebop.
Chuck Norris eats pencils and markers for breakfast, and he shits out masterpieces.
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